What Didn't Kill Me Just Got Stronger
by zombieavengers09
Summary: Not totally sure what this is...It doesn't really follow the PLL universe... But dark Spencer always interested me for some reason? I don't know if there will be sex in it but there is a lot of death and stuff. So that's why I rated it M I've got most of it written anyways I hope ya'll like it. Sparia btw.
1. The Sound of Starting Over

The Start

Someone once said to destroy what destroyed you. So I guess that means I have to destroy myself? I've done a pretty good job not gonna lie. My arms were covered in scratches and burns from my cigarettes. I hate myself for doing this. If baby Spencer could see me now she's hate me. She's think I'm a loser a nobody. An asshole. A waste of space. I'm an only child. I wasn't always I had an older sister. But she died a few years ago. Drug overdose. Sad isn't it? She had everything to live for. But I guess she needed an escape. I can't say that I hate her for it. But it made things weird because I used to live with her. I went back to my parents house after that but I guess I caused too much trouble so I live alone now. But they found me a roommate. Not the best for my anxiety people bug me. The doctors call it anxiety. I call it allergic to stupidity. Dumb people make me sick. Not dumb as in unintelligent. But dumb as in ass holes to other people. It makes no sense to me. Why would you try to bring someone else down just because you're unhappy with your shit life? I don't get it. And it pisses me off. I want to punch the mirror but I don't think the roommate would like that. Not that I care. I hope she's pretty at least then I will have someone nice to look at while I'm here.

The next day

This girl is supposed to be here by now. Her name is Aria. I don't care what her last name is. All I know is her name is Aria. It's a nice name I guess. I sit in the living room my armchair that's across from the door. I have Catcher in the Rye in my hands. It's one of my favorites. It makes sense to me. Which is strange cause most things don't make sense to me. I've stopped trying to make them make sense. It's like trying to fit a square into a triangle hole. That's just stupid. The door turns. I don't put my book down. I don't want her to think I was waiting for her. She walks in. And I look up even though I don't want to. She is wearing some worn converse high tops. And a flowery dress. Her stuff must be in the military bag she has on her shoulders. She has brown hair that falls about her shoulders like ocean waves. I'm stunned she is beautiful. She has brown eyes. I've never loved the color brown as much as I do now. It might be my new favorite color. What is this feeling? It's terrifying. I hate it. I hate her. No I don't I love her. Fuck!

"Are you Spencer?"

"Yes." I feel my throat drying.

She doesn't say anything but she looks surprised.

"We're you expecting someone else?"

"No... I just didn't know you were..."

"A girl? The name is unisex." I snort.

"No! I didn't know you are my age!"

"Oh..." Now I feel like an ass. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine." Her tone is harsh.

We aren't off to a stellar start great job Spencer!

"How old did you think I was?"

She drops her bag to the floor "I dunno I just thought older than me."

"Oh. Ok." I don't know what else to say. There isn't much else to say is there?

"Do you um... Do you wanna see your room?" I ask hoping to change the subject.

"Yeah." She picks up her bag again.

"I can carry it?" I offer. She nods and hands it to me. It's kinda heavy I wonder if that's the only bag she's brought? I start down the hall towards the bedrooms. I stop at the end of the hall.

"Ok this is your room." I point to the room door, "there's a bed and dresser and high boy low boy inside the basic stuff." I open the door. It's not. Huge room but she steps inside and seems to like it.

"It's nice," she smiles at me and I smile back. I can't help it. I like her smile. I will do anything to keep it there. Dear god I love her so.

"Well um... I live right next door. If you ever need anything you know where to find me."

She nods. No smile this time. I feel a bit sad. But I feel like she wants to be alone so I put down her bag and leave. I go to my room and close my door. I lean against it. Dear god I'm in trouble. If only Melissa could see me now. She'd laugh and say "I hope she likes stupid puppies, cause you sure are one." I feel sad thinking about her. So I go grab her old red hoodie and put it on. I lie down on my bed and curl up hoping that sleep will come. And be dreamless tonight.

Hours later

I'm not sure how long I've been asleep. But it's night time when I wake up. I look at my phone. 11:30 pm. Great. I slept too long. I head to the kitchen I'm hungry for some reason. I find some Chinese food I bought last weekend. Hopefully it's still good. But even if it isn't who really cares. I heat it up and take it back to my room. It's nothing like Melissa's teriyaki chicken bowls. But it will do. I see a light under Aria's door. I can't help myself I knock on the door.

"Yes?" She answers.

I open the door. She is sitting in an old t shirt and some shorts. Her legs are really pale and her hair is messy. I think she looks beautiful. Her knees are to her chest and she's holding a cigarette in her hand.

"Those will kill you, you know." I state as I pop some chicken and rice in my mouth.

She smirks, "maybe I want to die."

I tilt my head, she wants to die. No one has ever said anything like that to me before. It only makes me want her more. I want her so badly right now more than I've ever wanted anything. I walk over to her bed and put my food on the floor.

"You're suicidal." It's a statement not a question. I know she is. I don't need to ask.

Her eyes widen. I guess most people aren't that direct. But I'm not sorry. I love her and love is honest. She nods finally. I smile at her and she puts her head on her knees. I frown I didn't mean to make her sad. I take the cigarette out of her hand and stub it out on the bed post. She starts to shake. She's crying. I want to make it go away. I want her to feel better and smile again. I put my hand on her shoulder, she doesn't tense up.

"I... I know I can't make it go away. And I'm sorry I can't. If I could I would. I would take it all away for you. But I can't."

She sobs and I feel my heart clench.

"But if you'll let me I can wait with you until the storm passes?" She raises her head and looks at me. She doesn't believe me. I know she doesn't. I can see the doubt in her eyes. I smile and gently wipe her tears.

"Will you let me to wait with you?" She throws her arms around my neck and sobs into my chest. I put my arms around her back and pull her into my lap. I rock her until she falls asleep whispering words of comfort. Once she is asleep I lay down and pull the blankets over both of us.

"Please don't go Aria. I just found you. Please stay." I feel tears forming in my eyes. I force them closed and press my lips gently to the top of her head. She stirs and I'm afraid I ruined it and she's going to push me away. And hate me. And leave me. But she doesn't. She grips my shirt in her hand and shifts so her ear is over my heart. I feel myself melting. It's weird I'm home now.

The next morning

It's morning. I feel a weight on my chest. I smile to myself I know its Aria. She's real. She wasn't a dream. She's real and I love her. I turn my head to look at her and see her steady breathing. I want to kiss her again but I don't. I don't want to do anything she doesn't want me to do. A bit of hair falls in her face. I reach down and brush it away. That doesn't wake her. I slide out from under her and pull the blankets over her again. I grab Melissa's hat and leave quietly. I start pulling things out of the kitchen, honestly I only have cereal. I don't eat much else when I remember to eat that is. I pull out two bowls and a few boxes. I don't know what she likes so I pull out a few varieties. I put them. On the table and walk back to get the milk. I pull it out and hear Aria walking into the room. I turn to her.

"Hey, you're awake?"

She nods.

"Um I don't know what kind of cereal you like but I have a couple here. If you want some?"

She doesn't say anything. I guess this is gonna be awkward. She lifts her arms and pulls her shirt off. She only has on baby blue briefs under it. Her pale white stomach is flat and littered with scratch marks. She is beautiful. Her breast aren't scared though, they remain untouched. They aren't too big and not too small. They're perfect. I raise my eyes to meet hers. She's watching me… I put the milk down and walk to her. I pull off my sweater and hold it in my hand. We stand there in silence. I know she is waiting for me to make the first move so I do. I put the sweater over her head. She seems surprised but puts her arms in. I have to smile a bit the sweater is big on her and she looks adorable.

"You don't have to do that," I cup her face in my hands. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I won't make you."

She puts her hands over mine, "but what if I want to?"

I shake my head, "then we will. But we both know you don't want to right now. And that's ok." I pull her into me and kiss her forehead closing my eyes. Savoring her porcelain skin against my lips. I stand like that afraid that if I move I will break the spell and she will dissolve into dust and I will be alone again. Finally I pull back and rest my forehead against hers.

"So is cereal ok? I'm not much of a cook I'm sorry."

She laughs, "well maybe I can help you with that."

I smile again "I would like that."

She buries her face in my shirt and wraps her arms around me.

A week later.

"Can I ask you something?"

Aria and I are laying beside each other on the floor in my bedroom.

"Yeah you can ask me anything."

"Why do you live by yourself? You're only seventeen. What happened to your parents?"

I don't really know how to answer that. My relationship with my parents is complicated. And that's putting it lightly. We don't talk much. But they pay for me to live here as long as I do certain things like eat dinner with them once a month. Take the meds dad gives me. Stuff like that. I don't want to lie to her... But I'm not sure how to answer her either.

"My parents are alive. They just. We aren't exactly close if that makes sense?"

She rolls over and looks at me.

"Why?"

"We just butt heads a lot. My mom and I don't get along at all and my dad... I don't know but I don't like the way he looks at me. Like..like I'm an experiment that he's keeping track of. "

She doesn't say anything. I hope I haven't freaked her out...

"What about you? Where's your family?"

I can feel her tense beside me. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that...

"They are all dead."

"Oh... I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. You didn't kill them."

"They were killed?"

"Yes. There was a massive shooting at the school my mom taught at. The shooter killed her and my little brother. Dad didn't last too long after that. I didn't want to go into the system so I emancipated myself and lived in the house. But everywhere I looked they were there. I could hear Mike laughing over some stupid video he found online. Dad talking with mom about one of the papers that his students tried to turn in that was obviously done an hour before it was due. Mom laughing and reminding him that they were once those students... It just never ended. I couldn't tell what was real anymore. I felt like I was losing my mind. So I left and came here."

I don't know what to say. I never know what to say in these types of situations. I don't know if I should hold her or just lay there. I look over at her, she looks far away. Like she's not really here… And this person I see is just a place market for the person she once was. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I just need to let her know I'm here. I reach over and intertwine our fingers. I rub my thumb over hers' just to let her know I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. She squeezes my hand to let me know she's here too. And she's staying.


	2. Kurio Ledge

Three days later

I'm sitting in this new doctors' office. It's one of my dad's associates. Because I guess it's not lawful to see your daughter as a patient. Her name is Hannah Marin I don't really care what she's like. I just want to get this over with. The lady at the desk says it's ok for me to go in. It's a pretty standard office. Leather sofa, a leather chair, loads of self help books, and a fish tank? I haven't seen one of those before. I look in it I've always liked animals. I dunno why? Maybe because they are easier to get along with than most people. There are tropical fish I think they are pretty colors. Blue, red, orange, yellow, black and white. I wish I had a fish tank.

"Spencer?"

I turn around I didn't even hear her come in. She's average height I guess? Blonde, hair blue eyes. Interesting I guess. I nod.

"Hi I'm Hanna. I'm going to be your therapist."

I nod again.

"Do you want to sit down?"

I don't but I do anyway.

"So Spencer why are you here today?"

I'm surprised. Normally they have a file with all my stuff in it and just talk about how they are gonna "fix it".

"My dad didn't give you a file on me?"

She nods, "he did but I find that what's in the file and what's in the person are often times very different."

That's surprising. I'm not sure what to say.

"Um... Well I'm here because my dad wants me to be."

"That doesn't seem like a very good reason."

I shrug, "its part of what I have to do so they will pay for my apartment."

"You live alone?"

I shake my head "no".

"Do you live with other family members?"

I stiffen and Melissa immediately flashes through my mind. I feel ice creeping into my heart and sinking it. I don't want to let it show on my face so I tug on my sleeve and pinch my arm to snap myself out of it.

"N-no... I have a-a roommate."

"Oh what's she like?"

If Hanna noticed my twitch she didn't say anything about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

"She's nice. I like her."

"As a friend?"

I scrunch my eyebrows.

"No..."

"As a romantic interest?"

"I don't know," I honestly don't. I know I want Aria to stay with me. But I know I don't want her to get hurt because of me. I don't want her to suffer anymore than she already has.

"Well that's alright. May I ask you a personal question?"

I nod yes.

"When I asked you if you lived with another family member you pinched yourself. Why did you do that?"

So she did notice... I could lie. But I don't see a point in that. Dad would probably tell her the truth anyways. I don't want to lie to her anyways. I don't know why... But I don't.

"I was... I was thinking about my big sister."

"Oh what's her name?"

"M-Melissa."

"How old is she?"

"She'd be twenty five on Monday."

"Oh... She passed away?"

I nod. I don't like saying it. It makes me feel like she's really gone for good and she's not coming back.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

I don't reply. I can't... I just can't.

"Can you tell me how she died?"

I put my head in my hands I don't like talking about it. My parents don't talk about it. I start to shake my leg. I don't mean to... I just do. I can't stop it either...

"Ok. If you aren't comfortable talking about that we don't have to. It's ok."

I feel tears gathering in my eyes. I don't want to cry. I hate crying! It's dumb. I dig my fingers into my scalp. Stop it! Hastings don't cry!

"Hey! Hey! Spencer its ok it's ok."

I slump my shoulders. I didn't mean to do that. I feel like an idiot.

"Hey how about we end here and pick up next week? Ok?" She's being gentle but not talking to me like I'm a child. Not a freak or an animal. I nod and tear out of the office. I just wanna go home.

At home

Aria isn't here yet. I dunno where she goes during the day and I haven't asked. I don't think we are at that level of comfort yet... I don't want to freak her out. Or seem like I want to know too much about her when we just started whatever this is. I lay on the floor and close my eyes. I ball my fist and press them into my eyes. When I open them there's a bunch of sparkles. Melissa and I used to play this game where we would try and count the sparkles and whoever had the most won. I'm pretty sure she let me win most of the time but it was fun anyway. It's no fun to play alone though. I wish she was here. I could ask her about all this. What it means. What I should do. Suddenly I'm angry. And I'm sad. It just crashed into me like a wave that hits the shore . Violently and leaving a soggy sand behind. I'm crying and I can't stop. I don't want to either. So I don't. I know it's gross and I'm gasping. I want to throw a tantrum like I did as a kid and kick and scream so I do. I cry and curl into myself. I keep crying until I have no tears left. I don't think I have any water left in my body either. I'm all used up. And I fall asleep.

"Spencer?"

Someone's calling me. I don't wanna wake up. I don't wanna wake up ever.

"Spencer please wake up!" It's Aria she's shaking my shoulder now. I open my eyes slowly. They are sticky from crying and I'm pretty sure they are swollen and red.

"Oh Spence..."

I don't say anything I just close my eyes again.

"Are...are you... Can I help?"

I shrug. I honestly don't know and even if she could would I want her to? She doesn't say anything. She lays down behind me and wraps her arms around me. I dunno why but this makes me feel worse. I don't want her to care. I don't want her to feel tied to me. Like she has to take care of me. She has enough to take care of and worry about. I don't wanna be a burden. I try to push away from her but she tightens her hold on me.

"Stop it." Her tone is firm.

"I want to be alone."

"Too bad. I'm staying."

"I don't want you to."

"Sucks to suck. I'm staying."

We don't say anything but I don't struggle.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you staying?" I ask.

She's silent. Maybe it's out of pity. Maybe she feels like she has to fix me... I dunno.

"Because you stayed with me. And that's what friends do."

I roll over and rest my forehead against hers.

"Is that what we are? Friends?"

I opens eyes. She is staring at me. And it's not pity looking back at me. It's something I can't recognize.

"For now. I don't think either of us are ready to be anything more than that."

I close my eyes and bump our noses together. She giggles. I like being friends.

The next morning

When I wake up Aria's arms are still around me. But we are in my room not the floor. I don't remember moving last night. I intertwine our fingers and close my eyes again. I feel her move behind me and I freeze. She pulls me closer and kisses my neck.

"Morning."

"Morning," I smile I could stay in her arms forever. I roll over to face her and nuzzle our noses together.

And she giggles and pulls me into a kiss.

"Do you want to talk about last night?"

I shake my head no. I really don't want to talk about it. I like laying here with her. It's like nothing else matters. Just me and her. I like it that way.

"Spencer you scared me last night..."

"I'm...I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"It's ok I just wanna know how I can help if it happens again."

I honestly don't wanna talk about it. But after last night she has a right to know...

"Do you... Do you remember when I told you that my parents and I don't get along?"

She nods. I inhale shakily.

"Ok...part of the reason we don't get along is because...because my big sister. She-she killed herself... And-and my parents like to..." Shit I'm crying.

"They-they like to pretend that it never happened. That she never existed..."

Aria kisses my forehead and pulls me close. I wrap my arms around her waist and bury my face in her neck. She's rubbing my back trying to calm me down. I want to stop but I can't... She holds me. And it feels so good. I haven't really been held since Melissa... Since she died... I still miss her. But at least I gained a friend.


	3. A Little More Love

_**Sunday**_

It's the night before Melissa's birthday. I have to go to dinner with my parents tomorrow. I don't think they are gonna go to the cemetery. I don't think they've been since the funeral. Pretty messed up if you ask me. It's like she never existed to them. Like they don't even care. I'm sitting in my room blasting "stay with me" by you me at six. It was one of Melissa's favorite songs. It was the first song she taught me on guitar. I'm wearing one of her hoodies. It makes me feel better... I dunno why but it does. I don't know if I can handle tomorrow.

"Hey." It's Aria.

I pause the song.

"Hey."

She comes and sits beside me. We don't say anything but I lay my head in her lap.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?"

I shrug.

"Spence... We talked about this no more shutting each other out. Tell me the truth."

I pull the hood over my eyes and sigh.

"I honestly don't know. I don't think they're going to go visit her... I don't even know what we are gonna do. But I don't wanna go. Because I know it won't have anything to do with Melissa."

"Why don't you visit her today then? You know have your time with her without your parents. So that way you did celebrate her in a way she would want?"

That's actually not a bad idea. Maybe I should visit her today.

"Ok..."

"Ok?"

"Yeah I'll go."

We got to the cemetery much faster than I thought we would. Aria drove because she wasn't sure if I would be able to later. We got out of the car and head to Melissa's grave. I sit against it my back resting on her headstone. I have a lot to say but I'm not sure where to start.

"I'll wait in the car ok?"

I nod and she kisses my forehead before she leaves. I watch her walk away. I don't know where to start.

"Hey Mel... It's me I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. I... I dunno I don't really have an excuse... Happy early birthday. You'd be a quarter of a century tomorrow. You're officially an old fart." I laugh a bit.

"I miss you so much. I don't even know how to start to describe how much I miss you." I wipe my eyes harshly.

"I still have your number in my phone. I used to text you every Christmas Halloween and on your birthday... But I guess someone else has your number so I stopped. I don't want you to just be another number that I can't call..."

"I have a friend now. She's really cool I like her a lot. She came with me today. She's not close by though... She said she'd wait by the car. I think you'd like her. She's kind and funny and stuff... All the things she wasn't." I pull my knees to my chest.

"I'm trying you know... I really am...I know you wouldn't want me to be sad like this... I just have so many things that I want to show you and tell you. I wanna hear your voice again. I wanna play the sparkle game with you. I want my best friend back... I need you so damn much... And I don't understand why you had to go... Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong and you couldn't be around me anymore. Did I make you sad? Was it my fault? If it is... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Come back... Please come back. Don't go where I can't follow..." I'm crying I don't want to but I can't stop the tears. "You promised! You said that it'd be you and me forever! You said you'd always be with me no matter what! And that I'm not a monster! You made me feel better. Like I'm not a bad person! And now you're gone! And I don't understand! It's not fair!" I punch the ground it hurts my knuckles but I don't care. "I hate you for leaving! But I just... I just want to understand why...was I not good enough? Did I make you tired? Was it mom and dad? Why didn't you tell me!" I curl on the ground and cry. I cry because I'm sad I cry because I'm hurt I cry because I'm confused... I cry because I'm lost. I cry because I'm losing my mind... I lay there and cry. I don't know how long I was laying there but I think I fell asleep because the sun was setting. I sat up and looked at Melissa's headstone. And reach out to touch it. I know she's not there but...

"I think I'm gonna have to go soon... But I just wanted you to know... I haven't forgotten you. I miss you and I love you... I hope you're happy wherever you are..."

I stand and look at the cold lifeless headstone. It's nothing like Melissa. But I guess it's the closest I can get, I press my hand to my lips then press it against the stone.

"Happy birthday sis..."

 _ **At home**_

When we get home I'm exhausted. I just wanna sleep and not miss Mel anymore. I shower and go lay down on my bed. I put on Mel's old school beanie and sweater. Her smell is gone but it makes me feel closer to her for some reason. I feel the bed dip and Aria wraps her arms around me. I roll towards her and snuggle my head under her chin. She chuckles and kisses my hair. I'm glad she isn't saying anything or asking any questions. I like that she just lets me be. It's hard to find someone that you can just sit with. And you don't have to say anything or do anything. It's nice. I can feel myself falling asleep and I don't fight it. As long as Aria is here I will be ok. She whispers something in my hair I don't know what she said but I smile. Just the sound of her voice makes me better. She's my new medication.

 _ **Morning**_

Aria is up before me and I can smell something coming from the kitchen. I get up and groggily make my way to the kitchen. I see Aria making pancakes?! I haven't had pancakes since the day before Melissa died. I go behind her as quietly as I can and wrap my arms around her waist and pull her back into me.

"Hey you're up early," I can hear the smile on her voice.

I kiss her shoulder and hug her tighter.

"I made these I hope you like them. Pancakes make everything better."

I nod, "I love pancakes thank you."

She giggles, "well I need you to let me go so we can eat."

I let go and sit on the counter. She laughs.

"You look adorable."

I smile a huge ridiculous smile as she brings over our food. She sits beside me and we eat in silence. But it's a happy silence. I love her I love her so damn much. I look over at her and she looks like an angel... The way the light hits her hair and makes her eyes sparkle... She's perfect. So fucking perfect.

 _ **That night**_

I'm sitting at a restaurant with my parents. It's quiet no one is saying anything. And I honestly don't mind... I'm not hungry so I just kinda push the food around. I have another hour at least before I can leave.

"So how was your session with your new therapist Spencer?" Dad asked

"Peter, do we really have to talk about that here? In front of everyone?"

"Seriously? No one is listening." I grumble.

"We still don't need to broadcast that you're..."

"Crazy? Psychotic? A monster? A fuck up?"

"Language!"

I laughed "I just listed off a horrible list of words to describe your only living daughter and all you heard was the word fuck!"

"Spencer keep your voice down."

"No!"

"Spencer," my dad puts his hand on my shoulder. I push him off it feels like hot water.

"No! This is supposed to be about Mel! You're pretending like she didn't exist! Today is her birthday! She'd be twenty-five doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it does." My mom hissed.

"Then fucking act like it!"

"Spencer calm down."

"No! I won't!" I stand up and push my chair away.

"Spencer where are you going?"

"I'm going to see my sister. On her birthday. Like a good family should!"

"Spencer." My dad grabbed my wrist. I snatched it away.

"Don't fucking touch me."

He lets go and I storm out. I don't care that it's raining. I don't care that it's night and dark. All I want is my sister. And since she's not here her grave is the next best thing. I'm not sure how long I've been walking but by the time I get to Melissa I'm soaked. I stand there looking at the headstone. I fall to my knees...

"I'm sorry Mel. I tried I really did. But they weren't talking about you at all. I only came because I know you would've wanted me to."

I whipped my eyes. "They pretend it didn't happen... They don't care. But I can't pretend that I don't care. I miss you... I want my big sister back. Come back Mel... Please I need you... Please come back..."

I curl up and lay there. I pretend Melissa is lying beside me. It's like she's here. I can smell her but I must be dreaming.

"Wake up puppy."

I groan that voice...

"Get up you're gonna get sick. Get up."

I look around I don't see her...

"Melissa?"

"Get up Spencer."

I sit up, "Melissa? Where are you?"

I try to stand up but I fall back down because of the damn mud.

"Go home Spencer. Go home clean up, get some sleep and fix it with mom."

"I don't wanna fix it with mom! She's a bitch."

"Spence... Don't be a baby. Be the bigger person."

"She's older. She should have to be the bigger person."

"Just... Do it for me please ok?"

"Mel? Where are you?"

"Go home Spence. And tomorrow fix it."

"Mel!" I wake up soaked and screaming...I look around but I don't see anyone there with me. Melissa's smell has faded.

"Melissa? No! Don't leave me! Come back!"

But she's gone... I stand up and head home like she told me to... It's the least I can do... I'll ask mom if she wants to talk tomorrow. But only because Melissa asked me to... Only for her...


	4. Make it Stop!

_**A week later**_

"So how have things been going Spencer?" My mom is talking to me. I hate it when she does that.

"Fine." I push the food around on my plate… I'm only here because Melissa would want me to be…I'm playing nice with them for her… I try to keep that in mind every time a violent thought invades my brain. Dad isn't here yet. He's still at work.

"Do you know when you are going to go back to school?"

"No."

"Why not? You were so good at school. You loved it."

I don't respond. I didn't like school. It's full of boring and spiteful people. I'm afraid if I go back I will hurt someone... Again...

"You know you can't stay holed up in that apartment forever with Aria..."

When I hear Aria's name my head snaps up.

"I know. I leave the apartment. I go to my doctors' appointments and get food and stuff."

"But that's not living Spencer."

"It is enough for me."

"You need to get back into the real world Spencer!"

"I have my own world I don't need to go to the real world."

"What world?! You're just staying in your apartment with that girl!"

"Her name is Aria." I grit my teeth angrily.

"It doesn't matter what the whores name is! She's not your world!"

I stood up clenching my fist.

"Take it back."

"What?"

"Aria isn't a whore. Take it back."

"That's what you got out of this! For god's sake Spencer! No wonder poor Melissa killed herself! You drove her insane!"

I froze...

"I... That's-that's not true."

"Yes it is you wore her out! She was exhausted cleaning up after you!"

"You don't-you don't know what you're fucking talking about!"

"But she did because she didn't want everyone to know what a monster you are! She felt ashamed of you! She hated you!"

I felt my heart pounding. Melissa wasn't just my sister she had been my best friend for all of my life. She was the only reason that I had a shred of humanity inside me. She taught me to control myself. She never looked at me as a monster. She never thought I was broken she just said that I saw the world differently and that's ok.

"Melissa didn't hate me."

I pushed my chair back and walked towards my mother.

"She was the only one in this dysfunctional family that loved me. She wasn't afraid of me. She helped me. She is the sole reason that you are alive right now."

I snicker, "do you remember when I was twelve you slapped me because I wouldn't talk at school. You thought I was stupid. You were going to hit me again and Melissa stepped in and stopped you."

I pushed her, "she told you to stop. And that I would talk when I was ready. I thought I should feel sad or ashamed or something along those lines. But I didn't all I felt was hate and rage. She stopped me from suffocating you that night. And then the week after that from slitting your throat."

I walk towards her slowly, like a predator hunting its prey. "She stopped me many times even when she wasn't with me. I would hear her saying that it wasn't worth it. And you thanked her by forcing her into classes she didn't want to take. You hated all of her boyfriends because they weren't rich enough for you or educated enough for you. If anything you killed her not me!"

Mother is backing up more and I can tell she wants to run. I can see the far in her eyes. She says I'm a monster. Then a monster I'll be. I pounce. I run at her and knock her over I put my hand over her throat.

"It's funny actually… you killed the only person that could stop this. No one can help you now."

"Spencer I did not kill Melissa! You know that! She was just stressed out it was too much for her!"

"You stressed her out! It's all your fault! My best friend's gone and it's all your fault! I hate you! I fucking hate you! Why'd you make her leave?"

I let go of her hand to whip my eyes and she slapped me. That made me angry... All over again. She tried to throw me off of her by thrashing under me but I held her down. She head butted me and I felt a shooting pain in my nose. I stumble back blinded by the pain and she runs. I'm really angry now. I storm after her as she runs and locks herself in one of the bathrooms. I know I can't kick down a door but I can break it. I run to the living room and grab one of dad's hunting knives. It's long enough to get through the door I think. I bang on the door.

"Open the door mother."

She doesn't respond.

"Look I don't want to destroy this door but if I have to I will!" I stab a hole in the door to prove my point. She screams and I roll my eyes.

"Don't be so damn dramatic. Just open the door." I can hear her scrambling and I stop and listen. She is climbing out the window. Oh this will be fun. I pull out my knife and keep dads in my other hand. I run outside and see mom trying to get into the garage.

"Where are you going mommy?" I taunt her. She jumps I like that. I pin her to the garage door and put dad's knife against her neck.

"Make one sound and I will slit your throat right here."

She is shaking against me. I pull her to the back of the house.

I push her down and straddle her waist. I don't want to waste anymore time I need to kill her now. I raise the knife and plunge it into her heart. She squirms and blood starts to spill from her mouth. I wait until I see the light fade from her eyes then the real fun begins. I slit her throat and pull her tongue through the slit. A Columbian necktie. I've always wanted to do one. I sit back... It doesn't look too bad for my first try. I'm proud of myself. But I know dad will be home soon. I stab her again. And again. And again. Because in angry. Because I hate her. I stab her for Melissa and for Aria. I've lost count of how many times I've stabbed her but I'm exhausted. I let the knife fall from my hands and roll off her. I lie down beside her, put my hands behind my head and wait.

It feels like it's only been a few minutes before I see dad pull up. I know I have to do this but I don't want to. I push myself up. I know dad is physically stronger than me and he could easily overtake me. So I will have to surprise him. I creep to the back door and put away my knife. I'll use his it will work faster.

"Veronica! I'm home! Is Spencer still here?"

"Spence? Where are you kiddo?"

I freeze... Do I really have to kill dad? Maybe I can talk to him... Maybe it doesn't have to end like this? I didn't mean to do it...it was an accident… I didn't mean to… I hide the knife behind my back and enter the house. He stops when he sees me.

"Dad... I... I'm... I didn't...it was an accident...I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."

"Oh Spence are you alright? Are you hurt?"

He rushed over to me looking me up and down checking for injuries.

"I'm...I'm fine." I don't know what to say. I don't feel bad for taking my mother's life. I feel bad because Melissa would be disappointed… And Aria? What would she think? Would she be afraid of me if she saw this? Would she hate me and call me a monster?

"Who did that to your nose? Here let me see."

I flinch my nose just started to hurt hopefully it's not broken.

"It's not broken... But it looks like it hurts a lot. Here pinch it like this." He hands me a handkerchief and puts my hands in position to stop the bleeding. I drop the knife and it falls to the floor with a loud bang. He looks at the knife. Then he looks back at me.

"Spencer." He's using his doctor voice "where is momma?"

I don't want to answer so I look at the ground and try to make patterns out of the speckles on the tile.

"Spencer. Spencer sweetie can you look at me please?"

I shake my head. I don't want to look at him. I just want to go home. Aria will be worried if I don't come back soon... I don't want her to worry…I want Melissa. She always makes it better… She'd understand why I did it. And she'd hold me and tell me it'd be okay. I need my best friend. I need my sister...

"Spencie. Its ok look at me baby girl. It's ok. Melissa would tell you to talk to me about what happened so I can help you. Look at me baby. It's alright I'm not angry with you love."

I don't want to but I do. For Melissa I look at him. He smiles at me.

"That's my girl." He puts his hand on my face. I break down... I don't know what's happening to me. Why did I enjoy killing her so much?

"What's-what's h-happening to-to m-me daddy?"

He cradled me in his arms as I cried. I don't know how long it's been but I feel tired.

"I thought you fixed me! You-you said it-it would stop why-why hasn't it stopped?"

"I'll fix it baby girl. We'll change your meds and you'll be all better I promise."

"I don't-I don't want new meds..." I mumble.

"Baby you just think you don't want them but you need them. They help you. They make you better. You know this."

I shook my head "M-Melissa didn't make me take them... I was ok... She made me ok. I can-I can be ok without them."

"Melissa's not here anymore Spence. She can't keep an eye on you anymore."

"I know but-but... Aria..."

"Oh sweet heart. Aria can't protect you like Melissa did. Only family can protect you. You know that baby."

He tries to rub my back but I don't want this. I want Aria.

"No. I-I don't want-want it..."

I push him away and step back. He doesn't move to stop me.

"You don't want what?"

"I don't want it. I don't want your meds! I don't want your protection! I don't want to be locked away again!"

"Who said anything about locking you away?"

"You didn't-you didn't have to... I know it's gonna happen."

"Well if you've hurt someone don't you think it's for the best? You don't want to hurt Aria do you?"

I feel my heart stop. Hurt Aria? That never crossed my mind... I couldn't hurt Aria could I? I love her. I can't hurt people I love.

"See you know I'm right baby girl. You know daddy knows best."

I'm crying again I can feel my whole body shaking. What if I hurt Aria like I hurt Allison? I don't want to hurt her.

"If...if I let you fix me... I won't hurt Aria?"

"No baby girl you won't."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"And... I can go home when you're done?"

He pauses.

"Yes. You can go home once I'm finished."

"Ok..."


	5. Halo

_**A few hours later**_

Dad drove us to his facility… It was called Radley at one point. I think? At least that's what the sign said… But it's closed now. At least to the public it is. I'm not sure how long it took us to get here, I fell asleep I guess killing is exhausting. When I wake up I'm in a white room.

"Dad?"

No answer… This makes me anxious. Where is he? I look around. It looks familiar? I don't know why… I haven't been here before. I try to sit up but I'm super groggy and I just end up falling back down. Then it's all black.

 _ **Later**_

"Spencer?"

I know that voice…

"Spencer can you hear me?"

I can't move… I don't know what's wrong with me… I can't move why can't I move?!

"Spencer?"

I try to respond but I can't.

"She's out Dr. Hastings."

"Good… That means its working."

"But something I can't understand doctor… She killed all of those people? How she seemed like a normal child when I talked to her last."

"She killed her mother a week ago." Dad's voice is flat…Emotionless…

"She what? She can't have!"

"She did. I came home and she told me that she did."

"She can't have! She was so fragile when she saw me!"

"Hannah please keep your voice down."

"There's no way she's capable of this…"

"She is. I know my daughter. There's a side to her that… That can hurt people. People she thinks are a threat. Or that have hurt someone she loves. There's a monster that sleeps inside her. And I am going to do all I can to get it out."

"Peter…I've seen the treatment plan you have for her… Most of those practices are illegal! There's no way you are going to do that to your own daughter."

"That person lying there is not my daughter. She is a monster. And it's my job to destroy it…"

"Peter…"

"Hannah I have to do this. If you cannot help me then I suggest you leave."

"Why did you even chose me? I just graduated! I don't know anything about these things in practice."

"Because she will trust you. She will tell you the truth without any coaxing."

"What if she doesn't?"

"She will…"

I pass out again.

 _ **Later**_

When I wake up I'm in the same room but I'm not alone… I can smell someone in the room with me. I don't know who it is. It's not dad or Melissa… or Aria…

"Spencer?"

It's Hannah. I have to be cautious around her. I don't know what she will do to me. I sit up slowly, I don't get sick this time. I flex my fingers and stretch my legs at least I can move now…

"Oh good you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a fucking truck."

Wow my voice works too nice.

"I'm sorry to hear that, do you know what day it is?"

"No…"

"It's Tuesday."

"Tuesday? I've only been here for a day?"

"No… You've been here for about week, but you've been asleep for most of it."

I shake my head…

"Aria…"

"Your father has told her that you are staying with him for the time being and you will be home soon."

"How soon?"

"That depends on your cooperation in your treatment."

"My what?"

"Your treatment… Your father has a whole plan."

"Plan? No… He said he'd fix it and I could go home… I feel fine…."

"You just said you felt like you got hit by a truck."

"Everyone feels like that when they wake up from sleeping for a week."

She writes something down…

"What did you write?"

She doesn't answer.

"What did you fucking write?"

"I just wrote what you said, calm down."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! I wanna go home!"

"Spencer calm down please."

"No!"

I stand up and I feel a pinch in my neck, when I put my hand to the pinch I pull out a dart. Where did that come from? I black out…

 _ **Later…**_

"Spencer wake up!"

I can't…My brain hurts… My body hurts everything fucking hurts and I want to sleep.

"Spencer! Get up!"

I groan and open my eyes. Melissa is standing at the foot of my bed?

"Mel?"

"Yes now get up we don't have much time."

I try to move I really do but I can't it's like I'm paralyzed… I can't move.

"I…I can't…I can't…"

I groan and a sharp pain shoots through my brain and I pass out again.

 ** _Later…_**

I wake up feeling sick… I wanna throw up. I try to stand up to get to the bathroom but I end up falling over. I push up on my hands and vomit. It just comes out… I can smell it… It's gross I try to stand up but I'm too weak… I feel strong arms around me and everything goes black.

 _ **Later…**_

I wake up in my room. I look around, how did I get here? I don't remember leaving Radley? Aria comes in. She looks beautiful. So fucking beautiful.

"Hey how are you feeling?"

I can't talk she's so fucking beautiful.

"Spence? Are you ok?"

I nod, "what day is it?"

"It's Thursday… You came home yesterday."

"I did?"

"You don't remember?"

I shake my head… I honestly don't remember…

"Yeah the lady that brought you home said that you got some kind of food poisoning while you were with your dad."

"My-my dad?"

"Yes? Weren't you with him that whole time?"

"I…I think so?"

"You think? What happened to your arms!"

"What?"

I look at them…they're covered in burn marks.

"I…I what? How?"

I pull my shirt off and there are marks like something was suctioned to them.

"What? Why?"

I stand up and feel dizzy.

"Spencer!"

I fall and my head hits the floor a shooting pain spreads through my brain and everything goes black.

 _ **Later…**_

"Spencer? Can you hear me?"

"Aria?"

"No… It's Hannah."

I sit up I can feel something around my stomach… I look down and see a large belt with a lock attached to me.

"What happened? Where's Aria?"

Hannah frowns "she was never here?"

"No… I saw her she was here!"

"Spencer."

I'm crying…

"S-she was here… why'd-why'd she leave?"

"Spencer, hey look at me."

I don't want to look at her.

"Spencer… please look at me?"

I raise my eyes and she smiles.

"You're almost done ok… You're almost done. You've been doing so well you father is very proud of you."

"Did-did I do…did I do something w-wrong?"

Hannah tenses.

"I-I did… didn't I?"

"Well… you killed four people."

I shake my head, "not that… I did-I did something else didn't I?"

She doesn't say anything.

"H-Hannah please… just-just tell me what I d-did? I don't know what it was?"

She shakes her head…

I put my hands over my eyes and press on them. I open them and see the sparkles. They are blurry because of my tears but I can still count them.

"Spencer… you're gonna be ok alright? You didn't mean to hurt all those people, I know you didn't it wasn't you."

"W-who was it?"

"Other than your mother, ex girlfriend and two friends…"

"She wasn't my girlfriend I didn't like her."

"Ok… other than those four there was a …"

The door opens and someone comes in. I can't see them but the smell is familiar…

"I'll be right back Spencer, try and get some sleep ok?"

I sigh… I honestly don't remember hurting anyone else? I close my eyes again…

 _ **Later…**_

I'm at a school. I haven't been here in a while, I used to go to school here? When I was fifteen I think? I walk inside I don't know where I'm going but my body moves on it's own. The halls are crowded with kids. Then I see something weird… I see me? But it can't be me because I'm me? The me is wearing all black… That's not unusual I usually wear black anyways and my normal Converse. But I have a bandana over my mouth and my hood up. Ok that's a bit weird… No one is paying attention to me. I walk into a locker room. Then I hear gun shots. I run after…me? I see myself shooting all the jocks. I kill them all. Even the coach. An alarm is going off. I run out into the hall people are moving but not fast enough.

"Run! Run you idiots!" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs but they still move slowly. I turn around and the other me is moving into classrooms. I can hear screams and crying.

"Spencer! No! Please!"

"Emily move."

"Spencer I'm not going to let you kill them!"

"Move."

"Spencer!"

I hear gun shots. Did I shoot that girl? Emily… Who was Emily? I hear screaming and I see a girl running out of the classroom.

"Spencer, calm down we can talk about this."

"No."

"Spencer this isn't you… You're upset about your friends and Toby…"

"No I'm not."

"Spencer… You let Emily go… You're still a good person."

"Why didn't you stop it."

"Stop what?"

"The video. You didn't do anything you let it happen."

"Spencer… There was nothing I could do… It was already viral! I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"Mom!" A boy screams.

"No! Spencer not….."

The name is blurred out. Then there's a gun shot. I hear a woman crying.

"No! My baby!"

The crying gets louder…

"You monster!"

I hear more gunshots… Then it's quiet. I run into the classroom and I see two bodies laying on the floor a woman and a boy…

"Spencer you have to get out of here!"

"I-I didn't mean it…I couldn't-I couldn't…"

"Spencer! We don't have time come on!"

I see Melissa dragging me out of the school through the back.

"Melissa…w-what'd I-I…"

"Shhh… it's ok puppy you're gonna be ok alright? I'm gonna take care of it ok?"

I feel like I've been stabbed…

I wake up drenched in sweat… I look around it's dark… I run my hands through my hair… I'm shaking… I want Aria… And I want my sister… And I'm not gonna get either… I curl up in a ball and cry. I hate crying but…the screams… the begging… the shots… they're replaying in my ears… I can't get them out…

"Get out… Leave me alone! Get out! Get out!"

They keep screaming… I can't stop it…

"Spencer! Hey Spencer!"

I shake my head, I can't… the screams…

"Spencer look at me puppy it's ok… I've got you it's ok…"

I open my eyes "M-Melissa?"

She nods and pushes some hair out of my face.

"W-what are you doing here?"

"I'm helping you escape. I promised I'd look out for you so I'm doing that."

"I-I…"

"We don't have time…we only have ten minutes before the power comes on again. Can you walk?"

"I-I…I don't know?"

She sighs and unlocks the belt around my waist.

"Jesus have they been feeding you? You're so thin!"

I shrug I honestly don't know…

"Ok… come on."

She puts her arm around me and I fall.

"Ok…ok it's ok I've got you."

She hoist me onto her back and starts running. I close my eyes… and tighten my hold on her so she won't fade away again.

"Spencer! Stay with me ok! You can go to sleep in a minute but I need you to stay awake for now!"

I try to stay awake… I really do I see blurry shadows as we are running a hand reaches out to grab me and Melissa turns into another room. I can feel myself fading…

"Spencer! Stay with me! We're almost there!"

I gasp the hand is getting closer…

"Mel-Mel I'm scared…" I whisper.

"I know. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you just stay with me ok? It's gonna be ok. I'm gonna take you back to Aria."

"They're gonna get me…" I'm slipping I can feel it.

"Don't look back Spencer!"

Too late I looked, there are bloody corpses chasing us. They all have bullet holes in them and are screaming. I close my eyes and bury my face in Melissa's neck.

"Hold on Spence… We're almost there. I won't let them take you. Stay awake!"

We're outside… the corpses are gone… Melissa puts me onto a motorcycle…

"Give her to us."

Melissa gets on behind me and turns her head.

"No! You can't have her!"

"She's ours Melissa. She's going to fade and when she does she's ours."

"No!" Melissa starts the bike and speeds off.

I look to the side and the bloody corpses are chasing us again. One of them is mom… Her tongue is hanging out of her neck and her eyes are stabbed out. Another is a preppy looking girl wearing a yellow shirt.

"Spencer! Eyes forward! We're almost out! Stay with me!"

She stops the bike.

"Shit!"

A woman is standing in front of the bike… It's Hannah her throat is slit.

I gasp suddenly I can't breathe… Melissa looks behind her and sees the mob surrounding the bike.

"Fuck!"

I grab at the handle bars trying to catch my breath. Melissa looks at me.

"No! No! Spencer! Stay here! Stay with me! I'm here! Stay with me! Ok I'm here! Its ok! You're ok!"

I still can't breath Hannah advances and shouts something that makes the mob shrink back.

"The fuck is she doing?" Melissa asks.

I don't know but the grip on my lungs is loosening. Hanna looks back and motions for us to move. Melissa kicks off and we head towards a weird white light…

"Spencer! Stay…. Stay….Almost there…Stay with me…"

Then I pass out.


	6. This life chose me I'm not lost in Sin

I wake up for short periods of time I hear Melissa talking. I don't know what she's saying but she is worried… I heard Aria… I swear I felt her kiss me. When I fade I can hear the screams again. I see the kids running from me. I shoot them. All of them… well as many as I can. I shoot the teacher in the classroom and her son. That part keeps replaying.

"No! Spencer not…."

The name is blurred out.

"What did I do!" I scream at the teacher. She never answers me she just screams as I shoot her. I can't stop myself it always ends the same way. With her dead and her son beside her.

"No! Spencer not…"

"I'm trying!" I scream at her.

"Mom!"

"Get out! Get out!"

BANG! BANG!

I shoot both of them. I fall to my knees why do I keep seeing this? Did I do this? Is this a nightmare or a memory? I put my head in my hands and try not to cry.

"I-I'm sorry… I didn't m-mean to…"

I reach out to touch the woman and her eyes snap open. They are all black I jump back.

"Stay. Away. From. My. Daughter." Her voice is dark and twisted.

"What?"

"Stay. Away. From. My. Daughter."

"I-I don't know your daughter! I'm sorry! I didn't…"

"Stay away from…."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!"

"Stay away…from…" She wraps my hands around my throat, I can't breathe again… It's like the dream with Melissa all over again.

I wake up screaming and swinging at the air fighting off someone who isn't there.

"Hey. Spencer it's ok! I'm here its ok. You're ok."

I look around and see Aria smiling at me sadly. I didn't mean to make her sad…

"I'm-I'm s-sorry…"

She presses her lips to my forehead and cups my face.

"Hey, don't be sorry, Melissa told me about what happened."

"Melissa?"

"Yeah."

"My-my sister?"

Aria frowns, "no? She said she heard you screaming at Radley and pulled you out. There was some kind of accident there. I hope your father is ok."

I freeze. Suddenly memories flash in my brain. The hand reaching for me. Hannah's dead eyes. Mom's mutilated body…The mangled girl in the yellow shirt. The mother and son I shot. I feel sick and I guess I look it because Aria hands me a bucket. I vomit. I don't think there is any food in my body but something comes out. And it smells horrible.

"Hey…how are you feeling?"

It's Melissa I look at her and she gives me a look that says "play along".

"O-ok…"

"You don't look ok…"

I shrug as Aria takes the bucket and leaves the room. Melissa sits beside me and puts her hand on my forehead. She shakes her head and frowns.

"What's-what's happening to me Mel?"

"Spencer…" she sighs. She's tired I can see it in her eyes.

"What…what did I do?"

"Nothing. Dad was doing some crazy stuff to you and it messed with your mind and made you sick."

"So… the shooting? The screams? Hannah? The teacher and her son?"

"All a dream puppy." She kisses my forehead and it calms me down Melissa's never lied to me and she never will. It was all a dream…But it felt so damn real.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Was there an accident?"

"Yes… Radley is destroyed. You'll never have to go back there again."

"Did-did I do it?"

"No, you didn't I did."

"Why?"

She pauses, "it was the only way that I could get you out of there. They would come after you if I didn't."

"So…so dad's dead?"

"No… I couldn't do it…"

I nod and close my eyes, "why am I so tired?"

"Your body is catching up on all the shit dad did. It's trying to flush all of the drugs out of your system. You'll be ok in a few days."

"You-you promise?"

"Yes," she chuckles "I promise."

She gets up to leave and I grab her hand.

"Please don't leave again…"

She kisses my hand, "I'm going to stay at the lake house. You'll be ok Aria's gonna look after you."

I guess I don't look convinced because she sits next to me and puts her arm around my shoulder. I lay my head in her lap and she plays with my hair. I can feel myself falling asleep even though I don't want to.

"It's gonna be ok Spence it's gonna be ok."


	7. Baby I'm a sociopathA serial killer

A few weeks later.

It's been a few weeks and Aria and I are getting along well. She's moved out of her room and into mine. I love having her there. We don't have sex we just sleep. And it's nice because I hold her and I feel alright. Like I'm protecting her. And she feels alright because she knows she's not alone. We're both finally alright. We listen to music and dance around like idiots. I set up a screen that we watch movies on. Well it's actually a sheet and we project the movies from my laptop. But we still love it. We put a bunch of pillows on the floor and blankets and watch movies. Horror movies we both like those. Comedies Aria likes those. Children's movies. Old films. It doesn't matter. We're together. And I love her. And she loves me. She's told me that she loves me but I haven't said it back. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to say it. I say it in my own way... But I don't think that counts. I know I need to say it soon. She always looks sad when I can't say it back to her. I wish I could but everyone I tell... Leaves and if she left I don't know if I would survive. We are sitting just reading together, she is lying on my lap her hair is sprawled all over the place. She's reading the outsiders. Her favorite is Johnny because he brings out the humanity in all of them. I want to tell her that I love her. That I've loved her since we met. But I can't. I know I can't. She won't survive if I do. And if I hurt her I couldn't live with myself. But she has a right to know. But will she think I'm a monster? Will she run away? Will she hate me? I can't risk it. I'll hold my tongue. The time isn't right.

"Spence?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you talk about your trip with your dad?"

I stiffen, she knows I was with my father but she doesn't know why…

"I honestly don't remember... I guess I got really sick at the start of the trip."

She sits up I can't look at her. I feel sick. She lifts my chin so I'm forced to look at her.

"I'm so sorry Spence. I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories. I'm sorry."

She kissed my cheek then my lips. I want to vomit. She has no idea. It was so horrible. I don't want to think about it. So I pull her into me and kiss her harder than I ever have before. I don't want anything from her. I just want her to understand that I love her. I want her to know that I need her. I want her to know that I will never ever hurt her no matter what. I will never hurt her! And I won't let anyone or anything hurt her either! I love her. I love her so much!

Three weeks later.

Something is wrong... Aria is acting strange. She's rarely home and when she is just sleeps. She lets me hold her but I feel like she wants me to go away.

We're lying in bed together and I'm holding her. I know she's awake but she won't say anything. I kiss her shoulder lightly.

"Are you awake Ari?"

"Yes."

"Is um...is everything ok? You've been acting kinda distant."

"I'm not distant Spence I'm right here." Her voice is flat. Cold even.

"No you're not. You've gone somewhere and I can't find you... We said where you go I go... But I can't go with you if I can't find you."

She curls into herself and away from me.

"I don't want you to come with me Spence..."

I don't pull her closer but I don't release my hold on her either.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why can't I come?"

She sighs "because, if I find something... If I find what I'm looking for we can't..."

She doesn't finish. She breaks down and cries. I pull her into me and kiss her neck, her shoulders, any skin I can find. I want her to know I'm here and I will always be here.

"I want to come with you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth if that's what you wanted."

She sobs and links our fingers together.

"But I understand you may have to do this on your own... But if I can't come with you can I at least wait by the door for you? So I can be close if you need me?"

She just cries and it breaks my heart. I can literally feel my heart sinking into my stomach. I want to fix this... How can I fix this?

Two weeks later

She knows. I can tell by the way she's been acting. She's distant, she won't let me touch her and she isn't here very often.

"Aria?"

She doesn't say anything.

"Aria…I don't know what I did to make you upset…but I'm sorry…I didn't mean to. Just tell me what I did wrong and I'll never do it again."

She still doesn't say anything.

"Aria, I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong…"

She looks at me and I take a step back. Her eyes are so angry… And afraid?

"Have you ever killed anyone Spencer."

I freeze, this is it. I have to come clean… I should tell her. But I don't want to. I don't want her to hate me any more than she probably already does.

"Answer me Spencer!"

"Why does it matter?" I ask quietly.

"What do you mean why does it matter! I've been living with a sociopath! You could try to kill me! You've hurt people Spencer!"

I flinch... I'm not a sociopath...

"I would never hurt you! You know that! I love you! And I never hurt people I love! Who told you this!"

"It doesn't matter who told me Spencer! Answer the question."

And that's when I knew. Dad had told her somehow. I don't know how... But I know it was him. I feel sick now Aria is stuck in this. I didn't want this I never wanted this. I just wanted to be happy...

"Spencer…I know you've killed people. Just…just tell me who…"

"Why does it matter?"

"For fucks sake Spencer! Just tell me!"

I pause, I could lie and say I killed random strangers that were bullying people. A man that cheated on his wife. A mother that beat her child. But I know I'm no hero. I'm a monster. She should at least see me as a monster. It's what I am after all.

"I killed some people."

She looks surprised.

"Are you afraid of me now." I can hear my voice shaking. I don't want her to be afraid of me. I never wanted that.

"How-how many?" Her voice is barely above a whisper.

"Four...four people."

"One was your ex girlfriend?!" Her voice is cold and unfeeling.

"Yes."

"Two were your friends?" Now she sounds scared…

"No. They were her friends."

"And one was your mom?"

"Yes."

"Why did you do that? Why would you..."

"Alison deserved it. She was a cunt. She did things to people that... She was a cunt. So I killed her. I killed her. And I would do it all over again if I could! She was a manipulating knifing miserable cunt! She deserved it! She deserves it." I whispered "she was a cunt... She deserved to die..."

"And-and your mom?"

"I... That was an accident. I got out of control... I didn't mean to kill her... It just kinda happened..."  
I trembled remembering that day was horrible.

"We were having dinner and she called you a whore! I couldn't let her call you that! You aren't a whore!" I close my eyes, "she wouldn't shut up and then she said it was my fault that Melissa died… And she said I embarrass her. I was angry and it all just combusted. My mind wasn't my own anymore. It just wanted one thing. To kill her. I couldn't stop it even if I had wanted to..."

She still hasn't said anything and she won't look at me.

"I didn't mean to kill them I really didn't I…just…she was insulting you…I couldn't let her do that…"

"Why did you kill the other two?"

"They were friends of Alison's. They let Ali make people's lives miserable. They watched her hurt them and said nothing did nothing! They deserved it!"

She is silent.

"But don't you see Aria? I wasn't killing people who didn't deserve it. They were all bad people, honestly I was doing the world a favor."

"You killed your own mother! She brought you into this world! How could you do that to her?"

"I don't owe her anything! I never asked to be born! Sometimes I wish I wasn't! I don't owe her anything!"

She's angry. I understand but at the same time I don't. She doesn't respond.

"You think I'm crazy don't you?"

Silence.

"Do you?"

She is still silent.

"We'll go on. Say something!"

She doesn't say anything. Why won't she say anything?

"Go on! Tell me you hate me! Tell me you're disgusted by my face! Tell me you think I'm a fuck up! Tell me I'm a despicable human being! Tell me I'll burn in hell!"  
She still won't say anything.

"Say something God damn it!" I step towards her not to scare her... I just want to make her look at me. I want her to understand... But I'm furious the only thing worse than anger is silence. I don't know how to respond to silence. She looks up at me and her eyes are full of terror. I stumble back... I never wanted her to be afraid of me. I would never hurt her.

"Aria please... I'm sorry... Don't be afraid of me. Please don't be afraid of me. You don't have to be afraid. I will never hurt you. I love you and I will never hurt you... I didn't mean to hurt them. I'm sorry. Please... Please don't be afraid ..."

"I...I need to go."

"Where are you going?" I ask shakily.

"To my room."

I know she doesn't mean our room. She means her room. And she means to be alone. I let her go because that's what you do when you love someone. You let them go even if it fucking hurts and you need them. You let them go. I watched her go and crumbled to my knees.

"I love you . Please don't leave me here alone I love you." I whisper to myself as I rock back and forth.

The next day

I want to go to her. I know she hasn't slept. Neither have I. I don't know what to do… I know what would make me feel better. But I don't want to do that. I'm not a psychopath! I can be good I know I can! I just need to cool off. I can go to the lake house. That always calmed me down. I grab my old jacket and head out. The drive there is shorter than I thought it would be. I enter the house and pull up the floor boards that Melissa and I hide some whisky under. I don't even bother getting a glass I just drink from the bottle and collapse onto a chair. I keep drinking till I can't feel anymore. And I black out.

"Wake up Spencie."

I groan "Melissa?"

"Yes were you expecting someone else?"

I open my eyes, I'm still at the cabin but somehow I ended up on the floor and Melissa is sitting by my head playing with my hair.

"No... But why are you here?"

"I'm here because you need me you crazy idiot." She flicks my forehead. It's something she does when I did something wrong but it's not harsh... It's like a gentle "knock it off" kinda thing

I frown and rubbed my forehead, "I'm not an idiot."

"Spence you murdered mom because she said something's you didn't like about your girlfriend..."

"She said things about you too..."

"Yes but none of them warranted that response and you know that sis."

I don't say anything I know she's right. She's always right.

"But we can't change what you did...they are going to come for you. You know that."

I nod and roll into her burying my face in her stomach.

"What are you gonna tell Aria?" She asked as she scratches behind my ear.

I shrug... Aria is the last thing I want to talk about... Ok no she's not...

"Spencie. You need to talk to her. You love her. And she loves you."

"She thinks I'm a sociopath..."

"True... But you can change that."

I sat up and looked at Melissa, "how?"

She cupped my face and kissed my forehead "you're not all bad Spence. No one is. Show her the good in you. Show her that you aren't a monster. Show her the Spencer that rescued a dog from the lake and kept it for three years. Show her the dorky adorable Spencer that reads until her eyes burn and her head is heavy with the author's words. Show her the vulnerable Spencer that hurts when the people she loves are hurting. Show her all of you."

"She won't talk to me... She thinks I'm too dark."

"We couldn't see the stars if it weren't for darkness. She needs you. You help her to shine. You make her the beautiful Galaxy that she is. And you need her to light up your life. To show you that people are beautiful and wonderful. To show you that you're not all bad."

I put my head on her shoulder and hug her. God I've missed her so damn much. She laughs as I climb onto her lap and I wrap my legs around her waist just like I used to when either one of us was sad. She holds me close and rubs my back.

"Besides she doesn't have to talk to you. She just has to listen."

I nod and hold her tighter. I'm afraid she will slip away if I let go.

"What are you going to do about the police and dad?"

I don't pull back, "I don't know... I don't wanna go back and be a lab rat again.."

"They're never going to stop hunting you. You know this...and because he knows what Aria means to you she's in danger too."

"I know...I don't want her to get hurt by anything."

"Then you only have one other choice..."

"But if I die Aria will be alone... I don't want her to be alone... I just found her."

"She won't be alone. As long as she wants you and needs you. You will remain in this world."

I frown, "I don't understand?"

"When we die the living have a choice to sever their ties with the dead.. The more they hold on to the person and need them and want them... The more of the person will appear. And you will stay with her until she orders you away."

"What if she doesn't want me to stay..."

"Then you won't stay."

"But I love her!"

"Yes and love is placing someone's happiness above your own. Caring for them so much that if they are better off without you leave because it's what's best for them."

I hug her again. She's right as usual. I know what I have to do...

"Why didn't you stay?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you stay with me? You said as long as you were wanted you'd stay... I always wanted you...why'd you leave?"

I feel her sigh against me.

"I did stay Spence. I just never let you see me. How did you think Aria became your roommate? I nudged her toward you. At dad's facility I distracted the guards and took you home while you were passed out."

She kissed my shoulder "I couldn't let you see me because mom and dad would have sent you away. Somewhere I couldn't follow. I can't leave Rosewood. I can go from place to place if I've been there before but I can never actually leave here. I can be seen by who I want. But I couldn't let you know that I was here. They'd take you away again... And I can't bear that."

I nod... "Will you help me explain it to Aria?"

"Yes I will help you explain you silly pup."

I nuzzle into her neck and whisper "and you won't leave?"

"Yes puppy I won't leave."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

The next day

I entered the apartment quietly. I didn't expect Aria to be there. Why would she. I showered and lay on my bed for a bit. I guess I fell asleep because it was nine pm when I woke up to a strange noise.

"Ezra no! I said no!"

That sounds like Aria... I must be dreaming...

"Don't pretend that you don't want me Aria. I saw the way you were looking at me."

"No! Ezra stop!"

I sit up. This isn't a dream. It can't be. I pull on some boxers and a t-shirt and grab my knife. I run into the living room and see a man on top of Aria. He's forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do. I can see her struggling. The man is so focused on her he doesn't see me. I don't think Aria saw me either. I rush over and stab the man's shoulder and twist me knife in the wound. He falls forward which gives me time to pull out my knife and grab his hair. I hold my knife to his neck.

"Get off her." I keep my voice flat. I can feel my heart speed up. I know how this will end.

He backs off my girl and I press the knife harder into his neck. He tries to stand but I make a cut in his throat.

"Kneel."

He struggles and I stab him in the other shoulder.

"I said kneel." I whisper into his ear. I can feel him trembling against me. Shaking. He is afraid. Good. He kneels. I keep my hand in his hair and pull his head up so he has to look at me.

"Why are you with Aria?"

He shakes his head and I sigh.

"Did you know. That there are many ways to kill a person. But my favorite is with a knife. You wanna know why."

He shook his head no.

"Because with a knife it's like art. Guns are too quick poison is boring and beating someone to a pulp is satisfying but tiring. But with a knife..." I trail the knife over his cheek " I can create my own art and enjoy it. I can savor your pain. See the light leave your eyes. You die when I decide you do." He inhales shakily. "Are you ready to die?"

"Spencer no!"

I turn my head "why not."

Aria is crying I didn't mean to make her cry!

"I brought him here! He's here because of me!"

I freeze and look at the man...

"Are you two... Together?" I can feel myself breaking.

"No! Not at all! I was just... I was scared."

"Of me?" I can feel tears streaming down my face.

She doesn't answer but she's sobbing softly. I know the answer. It's because of me.

"You don't have to be afraid of me. I would never hurt you." I can barely get the words out I feel like someone placed a ton of bricks on my heart. I can feel it sinking in my chest.

"Please Aria you have to believe me. I don't want to hurt people anymore I want to be good enough for you! I don't want to be dark anymore!"

She is still crying and won't look at me.

"I can change I promise! I'll take him home I won't hurt him anymore I promise!"

The man groans I forgot I'd cut and stabbed him.

"I'll take him to the hospital! And they'll fix him! I promise!"

"Don't-don't make promises you can't keep Spencer."

"I can keep this one I will keep it! I'll take him right now I will be right back!"

I grab the man and hoist him up so he is standing.

"Do you have a car?" I ask him. He nods, I reach into his pockets and pull out his keys. "Ok I'll take you to the hospital." I look at the love of my life.

"Will...will you be here when I get back?"

She nods. I smile maybe Melissa is right. Maybe she can still love me?

I drag the man outside and to his car. I drive he's in no condition to drive. I'm not gonna make him drive I'm a monster I'm not heartless. We drive for a bit his breathing is ragged. He's going to die if I don't get him to the hospital soon. I groan and step on the gas... I can't let Aria down! I won't!

He's fading fast though.

"Hey! Hey stay awake asshole!"

He slumps and groans.

"Hey! Hey! Get up!" I pull over and shake him.

"No...No no, no come on wake up!" I put my hand on his chest trying to feel a heartbeat. Nothing...

"No! Wake up please!"

He doesn't move.

"No! No... No... Not again they've gonna hate me...

"Please wake up..." I whimper please... What am I gonna do? I sit there for a bit and try to wipe my tears get blood on my face. Shit. I have to get him out of here. I drive to the lake house and park by the pier. I can drive off and all this will be over. I can just come back and be with Aria. But what if she doesn't want me? What if I can't come back? I get out of the car and sit on the ground putting my head on my knees and rock against the car trying to calm myself.

"Spencer! What happened?" Melissa asked.

"It...It was an accident... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." I'm crying.

"Spencer what happened to you? Why are you covered in blood! Are you hurt?"

I put my hands in my hair rest my face against my knees.

"He-he was going to hurt Aria I couldn't let him hurt her... I was even gonna drive-drive him to the hospital but he didn't-he didn't. I'm so sorry."

I hear her sigh...

"P-please don't leave... You promised you said you wouldn't leave me..." I can't lose Melissa not again. She and Aria are the only two people that matter to me in this worthless world. I look up and whip my eyes again getting more blood on me in the process. She sits beside me and puts her arm around me.

"I'm not going anywhere puppy. I'm here ok... I'm here..."

I'm stilling crying but at least she'll stay with me.

"Come here."

She pulls me close and I wrap my arms and legs around her. I feel a little better.

"W-what am I gonna do? I-I can't lose her..."

"Shhh, it's gonna be ok alright I can fix this ok?"

I nod into her neck.

"Go try and clean up ok. I'll take care of this. It's gonna be ok I can fix it alright? Trust me..."

"O-ok..." I get up and wash my face and arms as best I can. I run outside and Melissa is standing alone on the pier.

"Where'd the car go?"

"I told you I'd take care of it and I did."

I nod. I don't deserve Melissa she's the best sister anyone can ask for.

"Ok let's get you home."

She puts her hand on my shoulder and we walk away...


	8. I Love You Just A Little Too Much

Morning

I walk back into the apartment covered in blood. I open the door and Aria is sitting waiting for me. She sees my blood stained clothes and puts her head in her hands. I don't say anything. I go shower and change. I watch the blood run off me and I feel my heart sinking again. Aria is gonna hate me. She won't ever speak to me again! I slam my fist against the shower tiles. I failed her again! I couldn't save him! I sink down and pull my knees to my chest and cry. I don't care that my cries aren't soft or quite. I cry because I let down the both of the people I love most. Someone opens the door. I don't care who it is it could be the police at this point and I still wouldn't care.

"Spencer?"

It's Aria. But I can't bring myself to look at her. I know she knows I failed.

"Spencer look at me please?" She asks. I still don't want to but I raise my head and look at her. She looks like she's been crying and hasn't slept in days. Just like me.

"Are...are you ok?"

I can't answer. I failed and she's asking me if I'm ok? She really is an angel. And I love her. She pulls back the shower curtain and turns off the water.

"Get dressed and meet me in our...your room." She leaves. I hurry out of the shower and get dressed I barely dry my hair I don't really care what it looks like at this point. She wants to talk. I walk into our...my room and I see her lying on the bed. She looks at me and motions for me to lie next to her. I lay next to her almost touching her but not at the same time. I'm so close to her but so far away at the same time!

"Did Ezra make it to the hospital?" She asks softly. I know she knows the answer to that but maybe she needs to hear me say it.

"No." My voice is shaky and horse.

She doesn't say anything but I can feel her trembling beside me. I want to pull her into my arms and hold her.

"Did...did you kill him?"

"No... He bled out before we got there. I-I tried to drive faster I really did but he just didn't make it."

I hear her sob. And I sit up and face her still not touching her.

"I'm sorry Ari... I didn't mean to kill him. Honest I was trying to get him to the hospital and he just didn't make it... I'm sorry..."

"It's my fault he's dead."

"No! It's not you didn't know he was going to do that to you. I shouldn't have stabbed him... I'm sorry..."

I feel an overwhelming need to hold her. To reassure her that this isn't her fault. I put my hand on her shoulder and she stares at me. I can't read her expression I don't know what she is thinking. I don't move my hand and she doesn't push me away. I lean down slowly waiting for her to stop me but she doesn't. I press my lips lightly to her forehead. Her breath hitches and I freeze. I'm afraid she will push me away again but she doesn't. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into a kiss. It's slow and gentle and cautious. We are both trying to readjust to each other. To find our rhythm again. We separate when the need for air becomes overwhelming.

"I love you Spencer Hastings."

I smile and lay my head on her chest. She starts to play with my hair and I sigh happily.

"And I always will, but you've killed people. Your mom, kids our age. And that's horrible. You can't just kill people because you feel they did something wrong or aggravated you in some way."

I don't say anything I wait I know she isn't finished.

"I hate the things you've done. The pain you've caused. The lives you destroyed. The lives you've taken. It's all horrific and dark and scary."

I don't know if I should move away from her. Or stay she hasn't stopped playing with my hair and I'm grateful for that.

"But I love you. My god I love you. That first week after I found out about the things you did... I didn't know what to think. Suddenly you weren't my dark angel anymore, you were just a dark creature. I thought maybe I could cure you of it. Make you an angel again but... I can't. I know I can't. And that scares me.. "

She paused.

"But I can't look into the future and see one without you. I don't know why I'm so in love with you! You're the devil and I'm afraid that you will destroy me. Not intentionally but you have that power. You've captured me and my heart and now I can't get free. Even if I could... I don't think I'd want to."

I hate that she's afraid of me... That's the last thing I wanted. I sit up and look at her. She looks tired and worn out.

"Do-do you want me to go?" I ask shakily. "B-because if you do I'll go and leave you alone. Forever if that's what you want... Because I love you. And I care more about your happiness than my own..."

I'm trying not to cry I don't want her to think I'm manipulating her because I'm not. I'm really sad... And hurt. She sits up and takes my face in her hands.

"Spencer." I know she is trying to keep her voice steady. She wants to cry too. "Spencer if you leave I won't be happy. Far from it... I'd be broken and sad. I don't want you to leave."

I lean in and nuzzle into her neck. She still smells like chocolate and strawberries.

"But you can't keep killing people Spence. You have to promise me you'll stop. And promise me that you won't hurt anyone else. Because when you hurt them you hurt me..."

I nod against her neck.

"I promise."

A few days later

I'm running… I'm at the school again but this time something is chasing me. I don't know what it is but I'm terrified. I turn the corner and slam the door to one of the classrooms. I lean against the door and close my eyes waiting for whatever it is to pass. It's really hot in the room for some reason. I pull off the sweatshirt I'm wearing. My arms start to burn. I want to cry but I know if I make noise it'll get me. I bite my lip and close my eyes… But now my stomach is burning… Everything fucking burns. I look at my arms and there are names… Names etched into my skin. I scratch at them trying to get them off but more names appear and they burn even more!

"No…no…stop it." I whisper but the burning continues. I scream I can't stop myself… I rip my shirt off and stumble away from the door toward. I can't hear whatever it is that was chasing me anymore and I have to get to the bathroom to get some water on these burns. I open the door quietly and dash to the bathroom. I stumble in front of a sink and splash water on my face. My skin feels better the burning has stopped. I look in the mirror… The names are clear on my skin.

Alison

Mona

Jason

Noel

Ian

Wren

Paige

Ella

Mike

Byron

Ezra

Wilden

Veronica

I turn on the water again and put it over my torso and try to scrub the names off. I know the names of these people… I can see their faces… All except for three… Ella, Mike and Byron… Who are they? The room starts to shake and I run to a corner and curl up into a ball. The shaking is violent and loud almost like the building is roaring at me. Then it stops… All I hear is the dripping of water… I open my eyes and there is blood all over the floors… it's all over me… I try to get it off with water but the sink is dripping out cold blood instead of water. I back away and I see writing on the mirror.

Stay. Away. From. My. Daughter. Monster.

My chest burns. I double over and scream… I wait for it to stop but it doesn't… I look down and see that three of the names are glaring up at me. I force myself to stand and look in the blood stained mirror. Three of the names are glaring back at me.

Ella

Byron

Mike

My chest burns again right over my heart. I scream and cry as another name appears…

Montgomery.

That's Aria's last name… I stumble away from the mirror and sink to the ground. I pull my knees to my chest and bury my hands in my hair.

"No… No I didn't there's no way! I couldn't have! This isn't real!"

The door bangs I'm trapped…

"I'm sorry!" I can feel hot tears streaming down my face. I don't bother to wipe them away. It's not like it matters anyway.

The door bangs again!

"I'm sorry! It was an accident! I'm sorry!"

Bang!

"This isn't real!" I scream.

The door burst open and a group of people stand in the doorway. They all have bullet holes in them. My body burns and the names glow angrily.

"What do you want? What do you want from me!"

They don't say anything they just watch me…

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

"It was you…"

I hear Aria's voice. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest by a hand encased in lava. I can't breathe.

"You killed them…"

I look up the burning over my heart intensifies… I can't speak I just make gasping noises and thrash on the ground.

"You killed my family!"

I want to tell her I didn't mean it… And that I'm sorry… But I can't breathe.

"You're a monster… And I never want to see you again."

"Aria…" I gasp out my lungs are burning it's like I'm drowning it hurts so fucking bad! I try to sit up but I can't. A figure in a black hoodie stands over me and pulls out a knife. I feel like I'm going to pass out… My vision is blurry then it stops… I can breathe. But they are all still there. I try to sit up but the figure pushes me back down. They put the knife to my throat and I stop moving. Then Aria appears with a red hot branding iron.

"Aria… I'm sorry… Please you have to believe me! I never meant to hurt them! I'm so sorry!"

She doesn't say anything.

"I don't care if you hurt me. I deserve it! Just please… I didn't mean it… I swear… I didn't…"

The figure holds me down and another person comes and holds my legs. I stop struggling. I know Aria's standing over me… I look at her… She's cold. Unfeeling.

"You're a monster… And now everyone will know."

She pushes the iron onto my stomach and I scream. It fucking hurts! But I deserve it. I deserve all of it…So I scream but try to remain as still as I can… I can feel myself slipping… I'm going to pass out…

I wake up drenched in sweat and look beside me. Aria is sleeping peacefully. I cover my mouth and go to the bathroom. My arms are clear… I choke back a sob and lift up my shirt… There are is the faded word monster…

"It was… It was real… I did it…"

I feel dizzy and grab the sink to keep myself upright. There's a knock on the door.

"Spence? Are you ok in there?"

It's Aria… If she didn't brand me who did? I'm losing my mind… I splash water on my face and open the door. She looks worried… How can she be worried about a monster like me? I don't deserve it…

"Hey, what's wrong?"

I shake my head… If I tell her she will never speak to me again…

"Come on."

She pulls me into our room and gently pushes me onto the bed. She lies beside me and intertwines our fingers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks quietly, running her thumb over mine.

I shake my head… I don't know if she can see me… But I know she can tell that I don't want to talk about it… She presses her lips to my wrist and I can feel my heart aching. She can't love me… I'm a monster I murdered her family! It's all my fault… I let out a sob and I break down. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me to her. This makes me feel worse… I cry and try to pull away.

"Spencer stop."

I cry harder… I can't stop myself. I think this is the most that I have ever cried in my life…

"Spencer… Baby what's wrong?"

I can't answer her… Even if I wanted to… How do you tell someone that you are responsible for their entire family's death? So I keep my thoughts to myself and bury my face in her chest and I cry. I cry for my mother. I cry for her family. I cry for Alison. I cry for Mona… I cry for all of them…

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

I whisper. She kisses my hair and runs her hands over my back. Tracing words that I can't understand…

"It's ok Spencer, I love you… It's ok. I'm here. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you ok? It's gonna be alright."

I pull her face down and I kiss her. I try to pour all of my love into that kiss. I pour all of my apologizes into the kiss. I pull her so close to me so there is no space between us. Our bodies are molded together perfectly…

"I love you Aria… I love you so much… More than anything in the entire cosmos."

"I know Spence," she giggles.

"No…no you don't."

I sit up and look at her in the darkness.

"You are so…" I can't think of a word for it.

"Beautiful?" She laughs out. I frown.

"No. You aren't beautiful. That's not fair to all the beautiful women in the world. You are so much more than beautiful… I just don't have a word for it yet…"

She pulls me into a breath taking kiss and I situate myself on top of her. She spreads her legs and I settle between them. She runs her hands under my shirt I feel goose bumps and gasp. I kiss her neck and my hips jump against her involuntarily. She pulls my shirt off and kisses me again. This is it. This is going to be our first time. I want it to be perfect… Like her. It's the least I can do. I pull us into a sitting position and she wraps her legs around my waist. I push her shirt off and trace my fingers across her chest. She shivers against me and I smile. I kiss my way down to her breast. I leave lingering kisses all over her chest. She gasp and tangles her hands in my hair. I can't wait anymore. I need her. I need her now. I lower my hands and rake my finger over her waist above her underwear.

"Spencer," she gasps. She's ready, that's my queue. I pull her against me and push her panties to the side. I run my middle finger through her folds and feel her excitement for me. I kiss her again.

"Are you ready?" I whisper against her lips.

She nods frantically. I kiss her neck.

"Are you sure?" I whisper against her neck as I kiss it.

She pulls my face up and kisses me until we both need air.

"I've never been more sure about anything," she kisses me again. "I need you Spence. Please…"

That's all I need. I push inside her and feel the spongy barrier between us. I kiss her again and push all the way in. She tightens her grip on my hair and moans against my lips. I start to move slowly in and out. Just trying to get a rhythm. I flex my fingers and she gasp. I flex them again and she puts her arms around my neck and rest her forehead against mine. I can't stop I'm addicted to the way she is saying my name. I'm addicted to the smell of her excitement. I'm addicted to the taste of her sweat. She starts to let out little whimpers and I can feel her coming to her climax. She digs her nails into my neck and throws her head back a silent scream escapes her, and she collapses against me. I rub her back and lay back onto the bed.

"Hey super nova are you awake?"

"Mmm…yeah, that was… Wow…"

I laugh and kiss her hair. It was wonderful, I don't even care about my own needs because feeling her against me was perfect. I could fall asleep right now and I would be happy. But she seems to have different plans. She pushes up on her hands and kisses me. I smile against her lips and she kisses my neck, my collarbone, my chest and down to my boxers.

"Can I?" She asks softly.

"Always," I whisper as she lowers them and kisses all over my hips and my thighs. Then she puts my legs over her shoulders and kisses right above my clit. She pulls me closer by my hips and puts her mouth on me… My mind goes blank as she places butterfly kisses all around my entrance. She spreads my lips and licks my entire slit I reach down and grip her hair gently. She inserts her tongue in me… I'm gone. This feels amazing… How have I lived so long without her? She curls her tongue and I see sparkles behind my eyes.

"Oh shit…" I whisper and bite my lip trying to keep quiet. Then she hits a spot and I feel my back arch I'm no longer in control of my body. I can feel myself shaking. I grind myself against her mouth as she lets me ride out my orgasm. I lean back on my hands and laugh. She sits up and kisses me I can taste myself on her lips. I lay back and pull her with me we lay there and I catch my breath. I can feel both of us falling asleep. I wrap my arms around her. There is no way I can ever let anything hurt her… Including me… I will protect her from everything. Even me if it becomes necessary I know what I have to do… I have to see Melissa. I have to figure out how to work this out… Make it right… I have to… I just have to…


	9. Answers :)

Reply to question.

Ok, in the past she killed 4 people.

Yes. Her mother, Alison and 2 friends (which includes Mona).

Ezra just happened after Aria found out that she had murdered the 4 people listed above. So at this point she is only completely sure that she killed those 5 people. I personally did not say that she murdered only 4 people.

That is what Spencer remembers fully. What happened in this past chapter I will explain... for now I leave it up to you to decide it these dreams are her mind remembering something she has seen and maybe had the power to prevent? Or something that she did herself?

Remember Ella and Mike were killed at a shooting at their school. Byron died shortly after a suicide or died of a broken heart. Again I haven't revealed which one yet. So either way she is indirectly responsible for Byron's death... The others were names of people that died in the shooting...

I will say to watch Melissa's reactions to Spencer... I wrote it so seem as though she has done this before... She was tired a bit right? Veronica said she was "tired of cleaning up after you?" Cleaning up what? Even Spencer wonders if she is the reason that Melissa killed herself... Why? Yeah people always wonder if it was their fault if a family member kills themselves... But it just seems so...strange? Also she isn't shocked or really upset by what happened to Ezra... She just "fixes" it... A bit weird right?

Also what was Hannah trying to tell her before she magically vanished in the Radely accident? Why was she with all the people that died and tried to prevent Melissa and Spencer from escaping?

"You didn't mean to hurt all those people..." What does that mean?

Thank you so much for your questions :) and if there is anything that I can clear up without giving away too much I will it :) Thank you for reading it means a lot.

(I'm sorry if this created more questions lol that wasn't my intentions... But hopefully it helps to clear some things up...)

Zombie :)


	10. Li-Li-Liar Liar You'll Pay For Your Sins

_**Next morning**_

I wake up and look around Aria isn't beside me. I panic where did she go? I grab a shirt and run to the den. She's not there I sink into the couch and pull my knees to my chest. She's gone...

"Spencer? What are you doing?"

It's her I jump off the couch and wrap my arms around her. She chuckles and hugs me back.

"Are you ok? Why were you sitting like that? You normally do that when you're sad."

I shake my head and kiss her neck.

"I'm not sad anymore. I could never be sad when I'm with you."

She scratches behind my ear and I smile Melissa does that to calm me down sometimes. I have Aria and I have Melissa. They are both here and they both love me. And I love them. This is perfect.

 _ **The next day**_

Aria went somewhere I don't know where. I still don't ask where she goes during the day. I drove to the lake house to see Melissa. I open the door and go out back. Melissa is asleep in the hammock just like she used to be. I smile and get in beside her. I lay my head on her chest and put my arm over her stomach. She reaches up and scratches behind my ear.

"What are you doing here puppy?"

I shrug, "I missed you..."

"Where's Aria?"

"I dunno."

I yawn and close my eyes.

"Do you know why I call you puppy?"

"Because I follow you everywhere and get in trouble a lot?" I mumble.

She chuckles "no. I wanted a puppy more than anything in the world before you were born. I asked mom and dad and they said no. I didn't understand why I couldn't have one. Then you were born and you were so much more interesting than a puppy. But I still wanted one... So I imagined that you were my puppy. I fed you and walked you. Well I carried you around. Mom did the bathing and stuff I was afraid I'd hurt you... Then you started to walk and you followed me everywhere like a puppy would. I'd tie a string to your wrist and hold it in my hand. Like a leash. But then I realized that you could hold my hand so I didn't need the string."

"Is that why you put all my food in bowls?"

She laughed "yes. I knew you were a person so you could eat at the table instead of on the floor. But puppies eat out of bowls so I always gave you bowls. I knew puppies would die if they ate chocolate so I never let you have chocolate anything. Until you started going to school and you had I think it was pudding? I was so scared that you would die. So I tried to keep you awake all night. But we both ended up falling asleep."

"Was that why you were crying that day?"

"Yeah, you were still alive." She shook her head "I remember you looked at me and said , why are you crying Mel? And I just said I thought you were allergic to chocolate. You laughed and said nope. I'm not lergic to anything. So I started putting chocolate and candy in your bowl. Because it meant you could play longer. Mom told me not to that it would make you sick. I didn't believe her but I didn't want you to be sick so I stopped."

I nuzzled closer and she kissed my nose.

"Do you remember when you found out that Wren was hired by dad to keep an eye on me? You beat him with a baseball bat because I was upset." She chuckles.

I freeze Wren was one of the names that appeared on my arms.

"Did...did he survive?"

Melissa doesn't say anything.

"Mel? Did I kill him?"

"Spencer..."

"Did I? Please don't lie to me... I need to know..."

"Spence... We can talk about it later."

"I... I killed him. Didn't I... You know I did... I've hurt...I've hurt other people too... Haven't I?"

"You didn't mean to kill him. You were just trying to scare him off. You didn't do it on purpose..."

"Who else have...have I killed?"

"Why are you asking this?"

"I've been having dreams where these people are chasing me. And they've all got bullets holes in them. Mom's there and Mona and Ali... And this woman keeps calling me a monster. I keep seeing myself shoot her and her son. I can never stop myself... They always die no matter what I do. And then there were names of people that got burned on me... And I always feel like I'm suffocating..."

Melissa pulls me closer.

"Spencie you know everything I've done has been to protect you... I don't think you want to know the extent of what I've done... I don't think that you're ready to hear it."

"But-but I need to know... Did I hurt all those people?"

"You didn't mean to. You weren't yourself at the time."

"But... I did it? I shoot all those people at the school?"

Melissa sighed.

"No. You didn't."

"Stop lying! I know I did it! I know I did! I... I know..."

I'm crying why does this keep happening? I climb out of the hammock and storm inside. I kick the stupid chair. I hate that chair! I hate it! I kick the walls and scream. Eventually I get tired and I fall to the ground and put me head on my knees. Melissa kneels in front of me and puts her hands on my knees.

"Spencer hey Spencer look at me."

"No!"

"Come on Spence its on just look at me pup it's alright."

"No! I don't want to!"

"Spencer stop being a brat and look at me damn it!"

I flinch Melissa's never yelled at me before... Or called me a brat...

"Hey... Hey I'm not mad ok. Just... Just look at me please? I'll explain everything alright?"

"You-you lied before... How d-do I know you aren't lying again?"

"I'm not lying Spence. I'm gonna tell you the truth. All of it."

"You promise?"

"Yes I promise... Come here it's ok."

She pulls on my hands and pulls me to her. I don't wanna be close to her right now... I pull my hands back and she sighs.

"Spencer. Come on... It's ok I will explain everything I promise."

I don't want to... She lied to me... But she did it to protect me. I lay beside her and she lays next to me. She holds her arms out and I can't resist. I scoot closer and let her hold me.

"Ok..."

She sighs again and kisses my forehead... Maybe mom was right maybe I made her tired...

"So you remember when dad's hospital was shut down?"

"Y-yeah."

"Do you remember why?"

I shook my head no.

"Ok. Well dad was working on a drug that would cure the violent gene that he thought all psychopaths and sociopaths have. It was going well until one of his subjects snapped and committed suicide. They were threatening to shut him down completely. That's where you came in. You were always a little shy and didn't like socializing with others much. So he thought that if he tried it on you he could fix it... So he tried it out on you. At first nothing changed. But then you started to get more distant. You'd disappear for long periods of time. And no one knew where you were. So one night I followed you... And you... You had two of the kids that made fun of you at school... They... You had... You were... You cut patterns on them... Like you were drawing but on a person..."

She pauses, I hold on tighter hoping I haven't disgusted her.

"They were named Noel and the other was a girl named Paige... I went home and never told anyone what I saw. But I tried to watch you more and keep you away from people that would hurt you... Then there was my ex boyfriend Ian, I didn't like the way he looked at you. I just had a feeling that it would end badly, he came over one day before I got home. When I saw his car I ran upstairs and I heard screaming then a loud thud. When I got to you... He was on the ground. You had stabbed him and you were still stabbing him. You never told me that he was molesting you... He'd been doing it for months. I was so angry that I let that happen to you! I let you stab his dead body for a while because I was angry too. Then I pulled you off. You were crying and I just held you... I got rid of the body and we never said anything about it again. You stopped talking to everyone. Even me for a while, but you would sit at the foot of my bed and read or do homework. You never said anything but I was happy you still trusted me. Then the police started to ask questions about Ian. There was one detective that wouldn't leave you alone. Wilden... I cornered him one night and tried to tell him that you'd been through enough. I told him about what... What Ian did to you... What I let happen... He wanted to ask you more questions so when he drove me home. I hit him in the head and he passed out. I drove the car here. I didn't know you were here... You were and you saw him. You asked me what happened, when I told you... You said that he wasn't dead. He was just unconscious, you burned his body and put the remains in the trunk of the police car. Then we pushed the car into the lake and watched it sink... Then there was Alison. I can't say that I'm surprised it ended that way. I wish I could have kept her away from you... You killed her and Mona... We came up with a story about an animal attack. Then a few weeks later right before school was out... You snapped. You went to your high school and shot all those people."

I can hear her voice trembling and I feel sick...

"So... I did kill that woman and her son?"

She nodded. I cry again, how could I hurt Aria like that? I didn't mean it but they are still dead... And it's all my fault... I did all this...

"I knew you weren't going to get out of that building alive. Or if you did you wouldn't get too far. I took you out the back and I... I... I... You were crying so... I... I strangled you..."

I tense up.

"It was the only way! If I didn't do it they were going to! And who knows how they would have done it! I couldn't... I couldn't let them hurt you. Especially when it was my fault..."

I can't say anything how could I do that! What is wrong with me? Am I dead?

"So...so am I dead?"

I feel her nod against me...

"Why am I here then?"

She sighed, "I found a way to bring you back... And you came back... But I had to take your place... That's why I killed myself... So you could come back..."

"Why... Why could I hear you talking to me?"

"I was able to get through for a while... I couldn't take physical form but I could talk to you... And then once mom died I raced to take her place..."

"So-so when I was... When we were... We weren't real in Radley... Were we?"

"No..."

"Was...was that a dream? You breaking me out? The people I...the people I killed? The blood? Was it a dream?"

"No... That was real... As weird as it might seem it was real. You were in Radley with dad. But I burned the place down. You were trapped inside... I went in to get you but you were unconscious... You would fade in and out... You can only die and come back once. That's why I told you to stay awake... You were dying again and I made sure you didn't..."

"So... So it was a lie? When you said if I kill myself that I'd come back? Because Aria wanted me?" I can't stop crying... It's all I seem to do lately.

"...I thought... If I could get you to kill yourself I could bring you back before you crossed over and I would never have to explain all this to you."

This is all my fault... I ruined the two people I love most lives... Aria and Melissa.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to ruin everything... I'm sorry..."

"Hey... It's ok. I'm here now and everything is gonna be ok."

"But... I hurt Aria. She's-she's gonna hate m-me..."

Melissa doesn't say anything she just rubs my back and kisses my hair. I don't deserve her... And I don't deserve Aria. I just want both of them to be happy. That's all I want... And I've ruined it... I've ruined it...


End file.
